


Cock vs Dick

by neversaydie



Series: Steve and Bucky are Fucking Weird (aka Sam Needs Better Friends: A Series) [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes: professional bastard, Deaf Clint Barton, Dick Jokes, Euphemisms, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Mrs Wilson sends edible care packages to bastard supersoldiers, Poor Sam, Sam Wilson deserves better, So many names for dick, Steve Rogers is a Troll, Steve Rogers is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:02:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5893891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look, a dick is just kinda there, right? But a cock is, y'know, taking an interest and trying to get involved." </p><p>He makes a wavy 'get involved' motion with his hand that Sam finds extremely disturbing. </p><p>"If it's hard, it's a cock. Calling it a dick is just disrespectful."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cock vs Dick

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Как ни назови](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361000) by [Oblako](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oblako/pseuds/Oblako)



> Cabloom you fiend.

"Why." Sam looks at the list on the fridge with extreme trepidation. He's pretty sure he should be noping out of the apartment right now, but then he always manages to get himself in sticky situations with Dumb and Dumber around, why would that only apply to missions? "No, seriously. _Why_?"

"Because." Bucky spits his gum into the trash disgustingly and leans against the counter with his arms folded, glaring at Steve. " _He_ thinks there's a difference between calling it a dick and a cock, so I started coming up with alternatives since they're apparently _necessary_."

"I was just being accurate." Steve mutters delicately, not taking his eyes off his newspaper as Bucky's scowl deepens into something that was probably the last thing the Winter Soldier's targets ever saw. Steve remains completely unbothered, of course, because he's been looking at that face since it was being pulled over marbles.

"Throbbing member." Sam reads off the messily-scrawled list, deadpan, and Steve doesn't even have the decency to blush as he shovels more cereal into his mouth. "Flesh sword. Engorged… I'm so glad I can't read your handwriting dude. Delicious meat popsicle?!"

"He was frozen." Bucky shrugs, a snarky little smirk on his lips as Steve finally looks up from his crossword and stops being completely unentertaining. "Popsicle."

"To be fair, so were you." Steve raises his eyebrows pedantically and Bucky gives him the finger. "And you could've at least called it a cocksicle."

He's a little shit, Sam doesn't understand how the nation has managed to remain in the dark about it. The guy trolls journalists on the regular and somehow everyone takes everything he says at sincere face value. Except the people who actually know him, of course.

" _Dicksicle_!" Bucky yells, loud and incensed, which only makes Steve grin proudly to himself.

"Dude. My ears. Is this what happened to Barton?" Sam rubs at his right ear exaggeratedly, using it as an excuse to move a few steps away from Bucky because he's not convinced this isn't about to turn into a dick-based bloodbath. "Why does it even matter what you call it?"

The laser focus with which both super-soldier-idiots turn on him to explain their argument makes Sam sincerely regret ever opening his mouth. In fact, he's pretty sure he regrets even getting out of bed this morning, because this is the ridiculous kind of debate that infects the entire team and takes weeks to go away, and he could've avoided hearing about it this early if he'd just listened to his instincts.

 _No Sam, take them the lasagne your Mom made_ , he'd convinced himself. _Be a pal, Bucky had a bad week and Steve could probably use the support_.

He's never listening to his conscience again. Natasha was right about them being superfluous to requirements.

"It matters because—" Bucky starts, immediately cut off by Steve's enthusiasm because god help them all if Rogers doesn't get the last word just _once_.

"Look, a dick is just kinda there, right? But a cock is, y'know, taking an interest and trying to get involved." He makes a wavy 'get involved' motion with his hand that Sam finds extremely disturbing. "If it's hard, it's a cock."

"Morning wood!" Bucky bursts out, way too loud _again_ and way too passionate for Sam's sanity. Steve always knows how to press his buttons and finds it far too amusing to do so. "That's not trying to do anything! How is it not a dick?!"

"If a cock is ready for action, you _know_ it's a cock. It's having ideas and it wants to get in something." Steve tries to defend his ridiculous position, and Sam opens the fridge to find himself a beer without saying anything. He's going to need it to get through the farcical situation he's found himself in. "A hard cock is a cock, a limp dick is a dick."

"That's fuckin' _ridiculous_. A dick can be hard!" Bucky spits back, like he's mortally offended by Steve's insistence on semantics. He never seems to comprehend that Steve is riling him up on purpose, but then maybe he does and this is just like foreplay for them.

Sam drains half the beer in one because _that_ wasn't something he needed to think about.

"Just let the cock have its moment, Buck." Steve grins placidly, and Sam has always thought he enjoyed pissing people off way too much but this is a whole new level of Captain Troll. Maybe he's right about the foreplay. "Call a cock a cock. Calling it a dick is just… disrespectful."

"You're so full of shit." Bucky grunts, stealing Sam's beer and drinking the rest himself because apparently they both need a crutch in the face of Steve Rogers: Professional Bastard.

"I'd be full of cock if you didn't have to start your dumb list _that_ second." Steve points out petulantly, which only fuels Bucky's righteous indignation. (In _dick_ nation, Sam's brain very unhelpfully supplies).

"You'd be full of _dick_ , Rogers. Hard _dick_."

"Yeah… I'm gonna go." Sam decides it's probably time to turn his back on this weirdness. He's delivered lasagne and appeased his conscience (and doesn't have to lie to his mother when she inevitably checks up on whether he's passing along her care packages to her new favourite boys), and he's heard the words dick and cock enough that they've lost all meaning. "Don't ever talk about dick around me again."

"No can do, buddy. Tell your Ma thanks for the chow." Bucky doesn't even break his glower in Steve's direction, but Sam decides not to be offended. It would be a lot worse if he got sucked back into their ridiculous debate, he can handle bad hosts.

 _Sucked_ really doesn't need to be in his brain right now. Sam cuts his losses and heads for the door before he can get any more mind-scarring images in his head.

"Suck my dick."

"I'll suck your _cock_."

"I swear to fuckin' Christ—"

Sam closes the door and takes off down the hall before they can start making good on their threats (or is it a promise when it comes to dick and/or cock? He doesn't want to think about it). He texts Natasha on the way, because he needs about nine vodkas and precisely no talk of penises to cleanse his brain and probably his soul.

The worst part is, he's been around the Rogers-Barnes weirdness for long enough now that he's beginning to think he can see the point in Steve's argument. There's definitely something more active about _cock_ that he can't quite put his finger on, although it's probably just Stockholm Syndrome at this point. Can't escape the madness, might as well join in.  

He leaves the apartment building and tries very hard not to think about fingering cocks. Sam really, desperately needs better friends who aren't giant dicks.

Or, y'know, cocks.


End file.
